Read Οι φυλακές της παιδικής μας ηλικίας by AliceMiller Ευηνέλλα Αλεξοπούλου Νίκος Λαζαρίδης Online

Οι φυλακές της παιδικής μας ηλικίας

Πολλοί άνθρωποι αναγκάστηκαν, όταν ήταν παιδιά, να μάθουν να κρύβουν πολύ επιδέξια τα συναισθήματα, τις επιθυμίες και τις ανάγκες τους προκειμένου να ικανοποιήσουν τις προσδοκίες των γονέων τους και να κερδίσουν την "αγάπη" τους. Ως ενήλικες μπορεί να κυνηγούν την επιτυχία, έχουν όμως ταυτόχρονα μια υποβόσκουσα αίσθηση ότι δεν αξίζουν τίποτα. Χωρίς ποτέ να τους έχει επιτραΠολλοί άνθρωποι αναγκάστηκαν, όταν ήταν παιδιά, να μάθουν να κρύβουν πολύ επιδέξια τα συναισθήματα, τις επιθυμίες και τις ανάγκες τους προκειμένου να ικανοποιήσουν τις προσδοκίες των γονέων τους και να κερδίσουν την "αγάπη" τους. Ως ενήλικες μπορεί να κυνηγούν την επιτυχία, έχουν όμως ταυτόχρονα μια υποβόσκουσα αίσθηση ότι δεν αξίζουν τίποτα. Χωρίς ποτέ να τους έχει επιτραπεί να εκφράσουν τα πραγματικά τους συναισθήματα, και έχοντας χάσει την επαφή με τον αληθινό τους εαυτό, εκδραματίζουν τα καταπιεσμένα σναισθήματά τους με επεισόδια κατάθλιψης ή καταναγκαστικής συμπεριφοράς, ή ακόμα και με ιδέες μεγαλείου. Στη συνέχεια, με τη σειρά τους, μεταφέρουν αυτή την κληρονομιά της καταπίεσης στα δικά τους παιδιά. Αυτό το σπαρακτικό και οξυδερκές βιβλίο είναι ένα πρώτο βήμα για την ανακάλυψη των αναγκών μας και της δικής μας αλήθειας στην προσπάθειά μας να ξεφύγουμε από αυτό το φαύλο κύκλο....

Title : Οι φυλακές της παιδικής μας ηλικίας
Author :
Rating :
ISBN : 9789602831373
Format Type : Paperback
Number of Pages : 214 Pages
Status : Available For Download
Last checked : 21 Minutes ago!

Οι φυλακές της παιδικής μας ηλικίας Reviews

  • Missreb
    2018-11-16 01:47

    for the people who seem to have it all yet hunger for so much. this is not the psychopop of twelve-step, i-got-in-touch-with-my-anger-today, neurosis-no-more books. "gifted" here has nothing to do with what your school counselor/teacher told was gifted or talented. rather, the original german word refers to the ability to empathize and meet the needs of a parent figure--at the loss of your true self. while this gift might enable one to survive his/her childhood, the gifted person's unmet need to express without fear her true feelings and wishes lingers like a virus that wreaks a quiet havoc on one's sense of self throughout adulthood if untreated. this book offers the start of such treatment, best summed-up in a word: hope.thanks to this book, i have a lot of hope. not to mention a keener understanding of a lot of the characters in my life--the good, the bad, and the ugly. we gifted types are everywhere.

  • Cari
    2018-11-17 01:58

    Miller presents a solid theory with some difficult truths, but at time the narrowness of her idea turns into a sort of tunnel vision with sweeping generalizations that are far too much. She gets carried away with herself and disregards other influences, other options. I always bristle at any theory that attempts to explain everything with a single reason or cause, especially in the complicated matters of psychology or human emotion. Regardless, the clarity of her presentation makes this an easy read, and Miller's ideas have a great foundation, doubtless a benefit to many, many people.(There were, however, times when I felt an equally apt title would have been, "Yes, you really are fucked up, no matter what you think, and it's all mommy's fault!" I'm fairly certain that my parents' toilet training techniques contribued nothing to why I'm a hot mess. In fact, I'd be willing to bet their success in that endeavor has significantly aided me in my quest to be anything other than a filthy hermit. Just sayin'. That part made me choke on my tea.)Two quotes from the book that I really liked:"The true opposite of depression is neither gaiety nor absence of pain, but vitality--the freedom to experience spontaneous feelings." [p. 61:]"...I can understand my suicidal ideas better now, especially those I had in my youth...because in a way I had always been living a life that wasn't mine, that I didn't want, and that I was ready to throw away." [p. 62:]

  • howl of minerva
    2018-11-13 02:09

    They fuck you up, your mum and dad.They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had And add some extra, just for you.-Philip Larkin, This Be The VerseNot the facile pop-psychology I was expecting, rather a book with some penetrating insights. As other reviewers note, "gifted" in this context does not refer necessarily to academic or artistic gifts (though these are common in the patient group Miller describes), rather a kind of emotional sensitivity. Briefly, Miller describes the narcissistic personality disturbance. Here narcissistic is used not in the broad sense of vain, being in love with yourself etc. This narcissism is an internalisation of the great expectations of one's parents, the consequent lasting feelings of inadequacy and drive to greater and greater successes (that leave one hollow). Narcissus did not fall in love with himself, but with a false reflection of himself. The twin manifestations of narcissism are grandiosity and depression. Each is a defence against the other. Grandiosity arises as a person feels their achievements render them superior to everyone else. Depression strikes when they realise they will never achieve as much as "necessary" to support their ego, or that all achievements are empty. Both these manifestations can be traced back to a failure to express one's true self and an idealisation of a false-self instilled by parental desires, pride, ambition, vicarious status-seeking etc. Grandiosity is characterised by contempt for others (who have not, as a casual example, read as many books or displayed as brilliant intellectual and artistic accomplishments). Depression is characterised by contempt for oneself, when one does not (cannot) meet one's own expectations. Anything less than world-historical greatness (and perhaps even that) is seen as failure, that is, pathetic mediocrity. Notably, parents do not have to be physically abusive to have these effects. A small child, entirely dependent on its parents for all its needs, will do anything to ensure their attention and will take careful note of the smallest expressions of admiration or derision. Thus a keen sensitivity as a child instils a cripplingly powerful super-ego. Miller claims that the key to these feelings is the realisation that one was loved as a child not for who one was, but (in large part at least) because of one's achievements. This leaves the child always desperate to achieve more, to safeguard their parents' love. One's own personality, desires, needs and emotions are suppressed to create a projected perfection which attracts love and awe. Recognition of this allows the patients to be who they are for the first time and to experience their own emotions - both positive and negative. It is remarkably difficult for some people to even contemplate negative thoughts towards their parents. Childhood memories of abuse are among the most strongly suppressed or displaced. Miller references Ingmar Bergman who described in great detail the violent abuse his brother faced at his father's hands, but had no recollection of any mistreatment to himself. (Of course, it seems rather unlikely that he went through his childhood entirely unscathed). This is all pretty simplified, the book is brief and well worth reading particularly if you see aspects of yourself or someone you know in the above. Though some of the book passed me by there were sentences that gutted me like a fish... As I look forward to becoming a parent myself within the next few months (against Larkin's advice, if you know the rest of the poem) I can only hope to not fuck up my child, or at least to fuck them up as little as possible. That is, to avoid projecting my own desires and fantasies and personal conception of success onto them and to allow them to flourish as their own person.

  • Tina Hertz
    2018-11-16 01:00

    I read this in my mid-30s and at the time, I found this to be the most helpful book I had ever read. Narcissism is fully explained - though many may think that is just another word for self-centeredness - in its many complexities. The title is misleading and apparently renamed for marketing purposes. The child who is victimized by the Narcissist is gifted because they deal with such heavy challenges and become over-sensitive to others' needs, always eager to please, while suppressing their own self-knowledge, emotions and needs.The book described my life in extraordinary detail, it was a catharsis to see expressed what I never could have spoken. There were a few details that did not match my life for sure, but on the whole, this book freed me.The book describes the extraordinary behaviors, symptoms, resulting characteristics in both the Narcissist and the victim.Too you can't explain away a person with just one cause, and no one is a pure Narcissist, nor should anyone be a total victim.The biggest drawback to the book is that after reading it, being enlightened and more aware of Narcissistic behavior and the stunted growth of the victims...you then say: then what?Alice Miller never ever talks about forgiveness or how to overcome being victimized, stuck in indignation. Learning the exercise of gratitude and forgiveness is the only way to beat the despair of self-pity.Today if I read it, I might take exception to the Freudian slant, to her constant complaining, to her utter atheistic outlook - but at the time I read this book, I was in no shape to weigh those kinds of things.

  • Hadrian
    2018-11-12 00:44

    The title here is a bit of a misnomer - 'Gifted Child' in this sense does not necessarily mean a child of academic gifts, but one with an attuned empathetic sense, and thus susceptible to emotional abuse. When this sense is combined with a deficiency or disorder on the part of the parent - anxiety, manic-depressive, etc., the child has to go to extreme lengths.This creates two 'selves' - the 'true self' - that is, the child's own 'genuine' personality and needs, and the 'false self', complying, totally obedient, utterly withdrawn, willing to lie in order to present a false happy image. The true self is subsumed to the lie, or the false self. The personal needs are neglected.Now what's the problem with all this, you ask? If a child is intelligent enough to perform on their own, and emotionally intelligent enough to perceive what their parents want, they may yet be ignored or blindsided in order for the parent to perform their own needs first, and the child's as secondary or auxiliary. Such a book is extremely uncomfortable to read. Perhaps for many it hits too hard. Although there have been some (many?) superseding advances in developmental + environmental psychology as well as the epigenetics of mental disorder and abuse, this is still a fascinating read.

  • Ryan
    2018-11-21 03:48

    This is an excellent book for learning more about yourself, how you became the way you are, and also as a possible source of help regarding the causes and cure of any emotional difficulties you may have. It will also help you better understand the people around you and how they came to be the way they are. It is a good source of psychological knowledge. Alice Miller shows very clearly how the way our parents raised us when we are children formed us psychologically.Alice Miller wrote her second book, For Your Own Good, as a continuation of this book, and I think the detailed examples and analysis she provides in the second book will be very interesting to anybody who likes Drama of the Gifted Child.Another thing that I found helpful was to re-read Drama of the Gifted Child some time after reading For Your Own Good, to see how much more I was able to learn from it after having some time to react emotionally to what I had read the first time. I learned so much that I was inspired to keep re-reading her books periodically to continue learning more and more.Initially Alice Miller's claims about the extent of damage done to us by our parents seemed exaggerated to me, and I felt that one should not say such things about parents. After recovering somewhat from my parent's punishment of me for saying the truth to them about themselves during my childhood, I am now able to realize that it is true that the most commonly practiced child-rearing practices devastate us psychologically, and that I need to re-discover what my parents did to me during my childhood and how I felt about it in order to recover my psychological health.For those who have the ability to heal from the traumas they suffered by feeling the repressed feelings from those traumas, Alice Miller's books provide enough information to provoke a long-term emotional healing process. This healing improves your psychological health, and, she claims, will eventually lead to the re-discovery of your true self, your untraumatized soul. I hope this is true.Highly recommended.

  • Susan Ellinger
    2018-12-10 23:51

    I've read a lot a really helpful books that my therapist has recommended to me in the past six months or so. This book is amazing and straight to the point. I would recommend it for anyone that has issues w their parents that they want some perspective on or anyone concerned about possibly passing on the legacy of their own difficulties to their children, however inadvertently. I will read all of Alice Miller's books after reading this one.

  • Erin Rouleau
    2018-12-12 02:09

    Ignore the title. This is a book for anyone struggling with their childhood. And not only those who were abused or not, it's basically anyone that had tough things happen in their childhood that weren't dealed with appropriately. I would think everyone would fall into this category. The book was written for therapists, but a lot of patients end up reading it. The author believes that depression really comes from the separation of your real self with yourself...in other words, kids who grow up into a false self to please their parents are depressed over this separation of self. This all happens via illusions towards your childhood and not dealing with the truth and most importantly not mourning the loss. Obviously, I'm paraphrasing, but it's a good book, and very direct/short. The one complaint I have so far is that she gives advice for confronting your childhood as an adult, but she doesn't give advice on how to raise kids even though she shares a lot of the don'ts.___________________________________________________________________So after finishing this book, I still found it good and it had great food for thought. But there wasn't a lot of hopefulness in it, and I felt like it was lacking constructive examples of how to take her advice and confront and mourn things that went wrong in your own childhood. Maybe I'm dense, because confronting and mourning should be pretty straight forward, but I would have still appreciated some more insight in how to do it. Also, this was a book written for therapists and not patients so that could have something to do with the lack of hands on advice.

  • William
    2018-11-20 20:48

    One of the most important books in my life.

  • Willa
    2018-11-23 03:05

    I liked this book better than I expected to. I had read good things about it; apparently the author's insights on childhood were important in developing psychological understanding in the 70's and later. But I was afraid it was going to be a sort of polemic against parents. Rather, it was more a warning for therapists -- she makes the point that therapists often go into the field because of unresolved issues in their own past and if they are not careful, ie, if they don't have therapy to work through their own issues, they may end up perpetrating their own child/parent relationship on their patients. I think this is something I've often wondered about (since I know therapists who are messes as human beings) so it was good to see it discussed. The book is not comprehensive -- a lot of things are brought up as side-points that could, and have, easily become a book-length topic. So it seems like this book has value as a "germinal" book, starting new conversations rather than coming to a final conclusions about anything.

  • Thomas
    2018-11-15 01:44

    A succinct and insightful book about the effects of child abuse. While childhood mistreatment may give kids certain gifts - such as increased empathy and greater achievement - these strengths come at a great cost. Only by confronting and honoring their pasts can these children rise above their unmet needs. Alice Miller writes with conviction and compassion, and I most enjoyed how she emphasizes the hope all of us gifted children should have: we can all lead fulfilling and meaningful lives, with effort and kindness to ourselves.Miller does make some generalizations in The Drama of the Gifted Child, as I doubt all feminist women with piercings or angry male politicians faced childhood abuse. However, considering this book's publication date, I forgive her. I read this book at quite the fitting time in my personal life, so expect it to make an appearance in my future memoir/writing.

  • Stella kaltsogianni
    2018-11-13 20:44

    Περίμενα πολύ καιρό την κατάλληλη στιγμή για να το διαβάσω.Πίστευα ότι θα με βοηθούσε να καταλάβω κάποια πράγματα και για τον εαυτό μου και για τους γύρω μου, και πράγματι το έκανε.Αλλά δεν έχω χειρότερο από τις ατελείωτες επαναλήψεις είτε φραστικές είτε θεματολογικές.Ενώ το βρήκα αρκετά ενδιαφέρον δε μου άρεσε ο τρόπος που ήταν γραμμένο.Σαν χαζή ένιωθα που έπρεπε να διαβάζω το ίδιο πράγμα κάθε τρεις και λίγο.Πάντως αν σας αρέσουν τα βιβλία ψυχολογίας και οι εσωτερικές αναλύσεις να του δώσετε μια ευκαιρία.2,5/5

  • Jan
    2018-11-19 22:45

    This is the best book I have ever read. Do not be fooled by the title--the original title of the book was "Prisoners of Childhood," and I believe the publisher talked the author into changing the title so that proud parents would want to buy the book. As a marketing ploy, it worked. But it's really not about "gifted children" in the contemporary sense, which is often about ratings and education. It is about the most important issue of our time: raising children.

  • Hester
    2018-12-01 02:48

    This book is both brilliant and full of schlock. I know people with the problems she described, people who were never going to be loved for who they were, so either buried themselves in achievement or cut off important parts of themselves. These childhood traumas have crippled them in adulthood. The thing about these people, though, is that their parents were fundamentally flawed and repeated these actions over and over again. Unlike in Miller's book, these were not one-off events.I think it is great that Miller decided to write about these people, but she took the ideas too far. Babies should have their needs catered to and children should be respected for who they are, but they should not be allowed to "order their mothers around like paschas." It is normal for good, loving parents to need a night off, and it is necessary for them not to indulge their child's every whim. It is called parenting. Also, I do not think it is neurologically possible for someone to remember being sexually abused once at three months old. Conclusion: This book can give you some real insight if you are willing to wade through a lot of junk.

  • Ceyda
    2018-11-30 00:03

    Biz Psikologlar bir sebepten ötürü bu mesleği seçtik. Kendi yaralarımızı saramadık, ama başkalarının yaralarını sarmaya kendimizi adadık. Bu yolla iyileşmeyi umduk belki de. Bu kitap bir terapistin dünyasını, çıkmazlarını ve sancılarını güzel ifade ediyor.Bir Psikolog olarak benim için çok çarpıcı bir kitaptı. Defalarca kendi çocukluğuma döndüm. Biz yetişkinler olarak hepimizin içinde hala kabul görmek isteyen, sevilmek isteyen, takdir edilmek isteyen, ihtiyaçları olan bir çocuk var. Tüm bu kaotik yaşam da bundan dolayı değil mi zaten?

  • Christine Palau
    2018-11-28 00:52

    "It's a seminal work in my field," Dr. Paul Weston (HBO's "In Treatment") said in response to Frances, the daughter-diagnosed-narcissist, when Frances asked her therapist, Paul (the brooding Gabriel Byrne), if he's ever heard of, "The Drama of the Gifted Child."Naturally, I downloaded the book the next day. Self-help it is not. Well, not exactly; and I mean that in a good way. But it is a quick read, and only $5 on Kindle!If you're even thinking of having kids, you must read it, or not, because then you might not want to procreate and perpetuate the madness. ;) This book seems to be written for therapists, or rather, psychoanalysts. It's Freud-heavy without being exactly Freudian. We are all deeply affected by what happened to us as children, even if we were loved and nurtured, chances are, something messed with us. And in turn, we will dish out similar horror on the people we love, especially our children, unless we get the bottom of it, and find our true self, a self that might have been repressed because of a childhood trauma.Is therapy the answer? Yes, but not always. Perhaps one of the most practical parts of the book is when Miller lists what she would look for in a therapist, and the types of questions she would ask the prospective analyst, specifically: "Why did you choose this field?" This is essential.But even if you go to therapy, and think you've found a good shrink, he might be unconsciously taking his issues out on you. This is why it's so important to do your research, and ask for references.To paraphrase Socrates, the unexamined life is not only not worth living, it's dangerous to future generations.

  • David J. Bookbinder
    2018-11-22 01:47

    I first encountered this book in the mid-80s, a year or two into my first serious psychotherapy, and it was as if all the lights suddenly went on in a previously dimly lit room. Although it's been a long time since I read The Drama of the Gifted Child, the shock of recognition - of the dynamics of my family, of my role in it, of the roles filled by my siblings, my mother, and especially by my father - became starkly revealed in a way no amount of discussion or dream analysis had approached. There's something compelling about how some authors can strip away the confusion surrounding a complex psychological set of interactions and lay bare the bones of it, and Miller did that for me in this book.

  • Anastasia
    2018-12-06 20:04

    Στην αρχή ενθουσιάστηκα, στο τέλος λίγο με έχασε. Συνολικά όμως διαφωτιστικό και ενδιαφέρον βιβλίο.

  • Rachel
    2018-11-21 22:44

    To be fair, I'm going to start with the caveat that I'm not a huge fan of Freud, on whose theories of psychoanalysis Alice Miller seems to rely quite heavily in constructing her own. But while I admit my personal bias against the foundation for her psychological theory, I still believe the construction of her general arguments to be weak as well. She seems to depend far too heavily on isolated instances as evidence of the childhood "abuses" that have crippled her patients in their adulthood, while dismissing more pronounced examples of abuse as too extreme for the case she wishes to make. Furthermore, it seems that her entire exploration of the "gifted child" -- not one who is overly bright, but rather a child who is able to empathize with his parents as they struggle through their issues -- is based on her own mama-drama rather than on more objective studies. It seems that Miller is grasping at examples to justify her own childhood frustrations. While surely cathartic, this doesn't strike me as a sound basis for a psychological treatise.I might be able to forgive all that, had the writing been more compelling or better organized. I cannot excuse the poor construction of this text, or Miller's failure to adequately support her points or tie together the various threads of her argument. Without a conclusion, her complaints fall flat and her thesis remains unsound. I'm not really sure of what, if anything, she's believes she has proven, or what substantial evidence she has given to back her claim. I come away feeling that a parent can't possibly do right by their child, as any attempt at a reprimand is considered borderline abuse. Miller might have done better to include suggestions for positive parental models or success stories, to better indicate the goals of her methods or the point of this book. Her other texts may be more compelling, but this one is a definite must-miss.

  • Karson
    2018-12-05 00:58

    Just finished this quick little read. This is a specific kind of book for a specific type of person at a specific point in their specific lives. If the time or the person isn't a great fit, you might hate this book and think it is useless, but if the timing is right, then you might love it. It's about learning about yourself and where you came from. To a certain extent we are all trying to better understand who we are and where we came from. Some people do it more obviously then others. Even if you completely deny that you came from anywhere because you dont like that place, that is your attempt to figure it all out. I read this over three days. The first day i loved it. The second day i hated it, and the third day it was at least likeable once again. It's a psychoanalyst's approach, so there is a lot of talk about your "inner-child," and that isnt always my favorite thing, but there is also a lot of wisdom in this approach to life aswell. Specifically, in the earlier pages the author made a distinction between depression and grandiosity and drew some great commonalities between the two seeming opposites. That was the one section that struck me, and gave me some "ah ha" moments.

  • Hanan Kato
    2018-11-19 19:55

    First things first, misleading title. "Prisonners of Childhood" is more accurate.This book is an eye opener! I've read some of it a few years back and just now have gotten to reading it fully. The gist of it is that parents' expectations of their children can be projected in such a way on them, that it robs them from their "true feelings" and "true self", trying to become the "perfect" child that will meet their parents approval and gain their love.A lot of times, the children ignore/shut off/repress their own needs and feelings to fully live up to their parents' expectations/demands, out of fear that if they don't, their parents will abondon them (not literally, but their love might wear off).Very powerful read. As an adult, it truly puts your childhood in restrospective, and makes you understand that how you were brought up as a child influences heavily how you conduct yourself as an adult.

  • Dennis
    2018-12-10 00:52

    "The only defense we have against mental illness is the discovery of the truth of our childhood."Should be required reading for every psychologist. I liked it even more when, in the third section of the book, the author used Hermann Hesse as an example! I learned something about my favorite author--and, more importantly, gained some highly valuable insights that I hope I can put into practice in integrating my own self.

  • Chrystal
    2018-11-16 20:04

    Alice Miller states that when she uses the word 'gifted' in the title, she had in mind "neither children who receive high grades in school nor children talented in a special way. [She] simply meant all of us who have survived an abusive childhood thanks to an ability to adapt even to unspeakable cruelty by becoming numb...Without this 'gift' offered us by nature, we would not have survived."I would like to give this book only 1 star for the pain it caused me in unlocking repressed memories from my childhood. But as Miller says, "The aim of therapy, however, is not to correct the past, but to enable the patient both to confront his own history and to grieve over it. The patient has to discover early memories within himself and must become consciously aware of his parents' unconscious manipulation and contempt, so that he can free himself from them."And so I would give this book 5 stars in it's startling revelations that have unlocked unconscious mental shackles in me and that will forever change my parenting.Doing the math, I end at a 4 star rating. This book is not for the faint of heart, nor the happy adult fully unconscious of denial of past hurts. But if one has lost the grandiose facade you once learned to create to be acceptable, and find yourself in a place of consequent depression because of the unconscious need to suppress one's painful buried emotions, this book is instrumental in finding the forgotten wounds that hold you bound. This process can release you from the vicious cycle. I think the author's efforts are most impactful in bringing many old ghosts to rest in the inner-child.

  • Tom Burkhalter
    2018-11-27 00:06

    In 1994 a friend of mind recommended this book to me. I was going through a rough patch -- divorce, change of residence/state, change of occupation, all those major stressors -- and this book was more than a help, it made me see myself and my personal struggle in a new light.I can't and won't try to summarize this book in a few trite sentences. Suffice it to say that Dr. Alice Miller is a pioneering psychologist with great insight into the human problem. Dr. Miller states her objective, in the introduction to the original edition of her work, as follows: "...I am looking for a way ... by which the patient can regain his long-lost authentic sense of being truly alive."This book helped me do just that. I don't think it will do it for everyone -- after I read it I was a fanatical convert/missionary for many years, only to learn, finally, that the truth will set you free only if you're ready for it.Regardless, this is an interesting work in human psychology that anyone who desires more knowledge and insight into the human condition will find a profitable read.

  • Chriso
    2018-12-13 01:49

    Holy crap, this book. It kind of blew my mind apart, to be honest. I found myself relating to it so much that I returned my library copy after buying a copy for myself; primarily so I could go at it with a highlighter and dog-ear a ton of the pages. I read this book after reading about it in Alison Bechdel's 'Are You My Mother' and thinking it sounded like something I needed to check out. In some ways, it was like opening Pandora's Box. But since I am dedicated to self-work and to asking myself difficult questions/challenging myself, I think it was a good thing. Still, if you're planning to read this, prepare to have your world potentially upended in a very quick read. And I agree with the sentiment of a few other folks: one really out to read this book if one is planning on having/has had children. Seriously.

  • Lori
    2018-11-27 23:00

    Another self-help book that I read in my early-20s, and it was instrumental in helping me understand many of my problems. It didn't "heal" me or change me, but it was a major step in self-recognition.

  • Elif
    2018-12-10 03:09

    Alice Miller bu kitapta çocukluk acılarının ve çocuklukta halının altına süpürülen (tanınmayan) duyguların yetişkinlerin hayatında ne kadar önemli sorunlara dönüştüğüne dikkat çekiyor. Bu vurgu, bildiğim kadarıyla bugün pozitif disiplin/ebeveynlik alanının önemli bir parçasını oluşturuyor. Yani çocuğun yaşadığı duygular (davranışlardan farklı olarak) değiştirilemez. Ebeveynlere veya çocuklarla temas kuran yetişkinlere düşen duyguları olduğu gibi kabul etmek, çocuğun onları ifade etmesine ve tanımasına yardımcı olmaktır. Bu yaklaşımla Miller, kitapta özel bir tür çocukluktan ve bunun yetişkinliğe etkilerinden bahsediyor. Yetenekli çocuk ile kastettiği aslında karşısındaki ebeveyn figürünün hislerine duyarlı olan, bütün güçleriyle ebeveynlerinin isteklerini ve ihtiyaçlarını karşılamaya çalışan çocuklar. Miller’e göre bu çocuklar duygusal ihtiyaç halinde olan ebeveynlerini mutlu etmek için kendilerini hırpalar ve çocukluklarını yaşayamazlar. Devamlı başarılı olmak, düzgün davranmak, ağlamamak, kontrolü kaybetmemek için kendi duygularını bastırır ve sahte bir benlik geliştirirler. Başarı ve üstünlük duygusunun yetmediği, hayatın anlamsızlaştığı, çocukluk duygularının yüzeye çıkmaya başladığı zaman başlayan bunalıma kadar durmadan dinlenmeden çabalarlar. Böyle bir çocukluk geçiren yetişkinler, kendi çocukluklarını duygusuz/nötr bir tonda veya çok idealize ederek anlatırlar. Bu konuda Miller’in sanatçıların biyografilerinden verdiği örnekler çarpıcı. Özellikle Hesse ve Bergman'ın çocukluklarının somut gerçekliğiyle kendi açıklamaları arasındaki fark yüzümüze tokat gibi çarpıyor. Bunların yanında, çeviriden mi kaynaklanıyor bilemiyorum ama kitabın dili biraz yorucu. Hayatın ilk yılına verdiği aşırı önem, çocuk ve ebeveyn kategorilerin katılığı yer yer iddiasını fazla zorladığını düşündürse de (ya da umarım abartıyordur), bütün uslu çocuk-mutsuz yetişkinlere tavsiye edebileceğim bir kitap.

  • Jessica
    2018-11-25 00:06

    I'm not entirely sure what to rate this. Rating it purely as a book, I'd probably give it three stars. Many of Miller's ideas are fascinating, though it's hard not to feel like her idealized version of parenting is something that couldn't possibly actually exist anywhere in this universe. People just aren't THAT flawlessly self-actualized, be they parents or otherwise. If EVERYTHING a parent does, EVER, seemingly constitutes manipulation of his or her child, then.....well, the world's just about hopeless by this point, isn't it? How enlightening!(Also, "natural urge" or not, letting your kid play with his or her excrement seems thoroughly unjustifiable. Surely exceptions must be made for things that, y'know, could be genuinely threatening to a child's health? Was she seriously suggesting that people look the other way here? Am *I* the ignorant one? If so, take solace in the fact that I'm not having kids!)However, rating it on the far more objective effect it had in my personal life, I'd have to give it five stars. My therapist recommended this to me, and regardless of some of Miller's more extreme arguments, it's certainly helping me come to terms with the way my own mother treated, and continues to treat, me.Well, I'll cut the difference and give it four, I guess.

  • Susan
    2018-12-03 20:51

    This is a great book for gifted individuals, especially those raised in dysfunctional and/or abusive homes. The only part that I did not like was Miller's repeated insistence that being gifted necessarily means that you 'owe the world something.' I am not sure if this was a 'lost in translation' idea or if she really did not see the contradiction of advising people to move beyond the unreasonable demands of family but then also feel obligated to give in to the unreasonable demands of 'the world'. Perhaps gifted individuals really just owe it to themselves to 'find themselves' (I hate that phrase, but you know what I mean). I suspect once we really figure out our gifts and ourselves, giving to the world then becomes so much easier and automatic - vs. forcing ourselves to figure out the 'back to the world part' before we even have returned to ourselves.

  • Cassandra
    2018-11-23 01:58

    My dislike of this, and Miller's other book Breaking Down the Wall of Silence, has little to do with the content and message than the constant referrals she makes to her OWN books, and the general conceited air her writing style takes on. Other than that, I found the book rambling, repetitive, and containing very few concrete examples of the concepts she's trying to get across. I do believe that most of what she's saying has merit, but the way the book was written didn't give me much confidence in her words if I hadn't already believed in the kinds of things she was saying. I will add, though, that I am coming at this as a curious reader who is not looking for self-help, so I'm critical without being invested in the emotional aspect of the book.